


Don't Leave Me This Way

by poppetawoppet



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M, five times fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-10
Updated: 2010-01-10
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:24:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4693676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppetawoppet/pseuds/poppetawoppet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A combination of prompts: <span class="ljuser i-ljuser i-ljuser-type-P"><a class="i-ljuser-profile" href="http://cathalin.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://cathalin.livejournal.com/"><b>cathalin</b></a></span> 's five times fic, an anonymous prompt of angsty post break up kiss, and <span class="ljuser i-ljuser i-ljuser-type-P"></span><a class="i-ljuser-profile" href="http://jerakeen.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://jerakeen.livejournal.com/"></a><b>jerakeen</b> 's request for Goodbye kiss that makes them realize they can't break up after all. Not as much angst as I thought</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Leave Me This Way

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted Jan 2010

The first time Kris left Adam was Detroit. It wasn't that he left Adam. They weren't together then. Not physically. Kris wanted to tell himself he had been in the moral right, because he had kept his hands to himself, but he knew better. He still was cheating, on a very basic level.

He didn't know when he was going to see Adam again. He knew he would, on some level, but he knew that it would never be quite like this again. The thought brought a sort of bubbling hysteria that Kris recognized as a panic attack. Or the beginnings of one.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. _He was married_. These feelings could not be allowed. Ever.

The desperation did not disappear, though. Somehow, a piece of himself belonged to Adam. Kris wasn't sure when it had happened, only that there was nothing he could do about it, and that it was over. They were going their separate ways, separate lives.

"So I guess this is it," Adam said, putting his bags down where they were to go to different gates.

"Yeah."

"You gonna call once you get a place in LA, right?"

Kris grinned. "Is the sky blue?"

"Not today it isn't."

"Shut up Lambert."

Adam grinned and pulled him close. Kris squeezed harder than normal, trying to remember the shape of Adam against him. He didn’t know when the next hug was coming. Adam's head lingered on top of his, and Kris brushed his lips against Adam's collarbone through the thin cotton t-shirt. Adam pulled him minutely closer, and then Kris pushed himself away.

"Later. I'll call."

He turned, picked up his bags, and didn't look back. If he looked back, he might force himself to go back and hug Adam again, or worse, spill all the feelings he had right out in the middle of an airport. But he would never tell.

*  
The second time Kris left Adam, it was three years later. Things _had_ changed, certainly, but somehow, with Adam, it was always the same. Always home.

Adam didn't realize Kris was crying because he felt guilty rather than sad. He had screwed things up with Katy. She had deserved so much better than he had ever given her. But he was happy, because he was finally at peace with his feelings.

Adam had a boyfriend.

Kris could have laughed, except that he was too depressed. He was finally free to say everything that had been weighing on him and he couldn't.

"You sure you don't want to crash on the couch?"

Kris shook his head. "Nah. I don't want to intrude."

"Lamont wouldn't mind."

Kris grinned. "That's because Lamont thinks I'm cute."

"You are cute."

Kris sighed and shook his head. "I'm going now."

Adam pulled him close, and Kris leaned for a moment, saying everything in his head, just to practice. _I think you are perfect. I think I love you. I want you._

"Kris?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful, okay?"

Kris nodded and turned to leave, then turned back, tiptoeing and pressing his lips to Adam's cheek. Adam, for his part, simply raised an eyebrow.

"Thanks. I'll call, okay?"

Adam nodded. Kris turned again, but not so fast he didn't see Adam raise a hand to his cheek. Kris smiled. It was something.

*

The third time Kris left Adam.

The third time Kris left Adam almost killed him. It was three months after the divorce. Two days after Adam's epic fight with Lamont that had made all the magazines. One hour after Adam had called Kris to ask if it was okay to come over. It was always okay.

"Is it okay if I don't talk?" Adam asked, striding into Kris's kitchen.

"Whatever. You do what you gotta do."

"Good," Adam said, pacing back across the room, straight towards Kris. Kris had no time to react before Adam was kissing him, rough and dirty and hard. Kris clutched Adam's shirt, all thoughts lost as Adam's body pressed him into the counter.

He pushed Adam away.

"What the actual fuck?"

Adam turned, leaning over the counter. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I just. I don't know."

Kris put his arm around Adam's shoulder. "How about you lie down for awhile? And maybe things will make sense then."

"Ok."

Kris guided Adam to a room, lay him down. Adam looked up at him. "Kris, I shouldn't—"

Kris leaned down, his mouth warm against Adam's. He lingered a moment, his lower lip catching as he pulled away.

"Don't apologize. Just sleep."

He walked out of the room. He sat down at the counter, scrubbing his face, and wrote.

_Adam,_

I wish I could be here for you. But I think we both know that might be a bad idea. There are many things I've wanted to say for a long time, but I cannot say them right now. I think it would be better if we weren't around each other right now.

I'm sorry.

Kris

He left it on the counter, grabbing his keys. He didn't know where he was going, but it was as far as he could get, so he didn't turn around and lie next to Adam and hold him close.

*  
The fourth time Kris left Adam,

Kris hadn't seen him in almost a year. They've talked, cautiously, on the phone. It is not the same. Kris didn't rush headlong into Adam's shoulder. Nor did they smile broadly.

"All right, so spill. I need to know."

"Hi, Kris, how are you? I'm fine Adam, thank you."

Adam sighed. "Kris, please."

Kris sat down, not looking at Adam. He could do this if he didn't look. " I have feelings for you, okay. Have had. For awhile."

"Feelings. Such as?"

Kris looked up. Adam's face was carefully blank. Kris needed him to show something, but his eyes were still, and cold.

"I think I love you. Have had. For a long time."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Kris stood. He hadn't come here to be interrogated. "Because the timing was always wrong! I was married! You were involved! Because I was scared. I'm telling you now."

"I see."

Still nothing. Kris scrubbed his face. He'd said it and still nothing had changed. He was beginning to think it never would.

"Fuck this," he said, taking Adam's face in his hands, and pulling it to his own.

Adam gasped softly as Kris kissed him, their mouths barely touching, a whisper between them, and Kris shifted forward, his hands in Adam's hair.

Still nothing.

"Call me when you want to have an actual conversation," Kris said, slamming the door behind him.

*

The last time Kris left Adam…

"Wait just a minute!"

Kris turned in the hallway. "What?"

"Where the hell do you get the right to leave?"

Adam looked angry. It was the first emotion he had shown since Kris had walked in the front door.

"Since it seems you want to question me like a criminal instead of actually talking to me, I decided my time might be better served elsewhere."

"Fine then. Leave."

Kris turned, stopped. Just one more. He turned again, hands on Adam's face again, this time his mouth frenzied against Adam's, fast and rough, their teeth knocking against each other's lips. Kris didn't look at Adam, he couldn't, not this time. He turned one last time.

"You think you are going to leave after that?"

Adam's arm caught his, and Kris was backed into the wall, Adam's face a hair away from his own. Adam's eyes blazed into his, blue and stormy and unreadable. Kris's breath hitched.

"I don't understand."

Adam pressed closer, his body hard against Kris's. Kris swallowed again, heat pooling in his stomach and spreading quickly.

"What's not to understand?" Adam's voice was low, insistent.

"You didn't say anything. You looked like… Please Adam, just, I can't do this anymore."

Adam put his forehead against Kris's. "How long? That's the last thing I need to know."

Kris closed his eyes. "Honestly? Probably since the day I met you. When did I realize it for sure? Detroit. Definitely Detroit."

"And you've waited all this time?"

"What else was I supposed to do?"

"And here I was thinking I was being the noble one."

Kris's eyes flew open. Adam was smiling at him.

"I need you to say it Adam," he whispered. "Please."

"I think I love you. Have had. For a long time."  
Kris let out the breath, his worry of ever telling Adam replaced with the sudden need to grin foolishly.

"Now where were we?" Adam whispered in Kris's ear, gently biting the lobe.

"I think you were kissing me. Or something." Kris spread his legs slightly, pulling Adam closer.

"Or something? I haven't even taken you out to dinner Kristopher."

"Maybe I'm easy like that."

Kris shifted again, biting his lip as he rode up against Adam's leg, their hips grinding together. Adam cuffed his wrists, and trailed kisses from his ear, down his jaw line to the hollow of his throat.

"If I let you go, you won’t leave will you?"

Kris shook his head. Adam smiled.

"Good. Let's see just how easy you are."

*

The first time Kris woke up beside Adam, he pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

Adam shifted, mumbled, "Go back to sleep. 'S too early."

Kris spent a moment running his hand up Adam's arm, unable to keep the small smile off of his face. He readjusted himself, resting his head against Adam's chest, and kissing his collarbone.

He threaded his fingers through Adam's, and closed his eyes.   



End file.
